Why Thinking is Not the Answer

Because This is What Happens

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I’ve always held you close like this, wrapped in my arms. I want to touch as much of you at once as possible. I look into your eyes and see such pain and torment. Your existence is your prison and you scramble for an escape. I do everything in my power to keep you in my life and would do anything you would ask of me. The only thing you ask me for is freedom, as if I could grant such a thing. I of course agree, knowing that by granting you the bliss you ask for I only damn myself to the same darkness you currently reside in. I promised you everything and I of course must give you this simple request.

I hold you close and thrust forward, your flesh spreading around the blade as it slides into you. Your eyes go wide in surprise and your breath catches, your eyes lock on something behind me and your back arches pushing your body forward. I hold you there and do not move, it slides no deeper into you.

Eventually your breathing starts again, quick at first but it slows to normal. Your muscles relax as you pull yourself closer to me in a soft embrace. I slide even deeper but you don’t react this time, you simply stare into my eyes and kiss me softly. I feel that same thrill that comes every time your lips touch mine but I know I must remember this moment. This experience is the tantamount, it encompasses all that will pass between us.

As I hold you softly in my arms your body relaxes even more, your image becomes so soft, the colours are blending in your face. The hard lines and features are becoming one beautiful visage. Your eyes start to look heavy but you struggle to keep them locked on mine. The final moment comes, and you lose consciousness.

I pull you back as close to me as I am almost crushing your small form in my arms. I kiss your lips and they do not kiss back, the warmth of the moment is leaving them. Your eyes are no longer focused and your limp form no longer embraces. I release you and lay you back down into the bed brushing your hair away from your face and rub away a makeup smudge.

This has all been experienced by us many times before, but this time it is different. My tears are splashing across your body and I focus on one that lands on your chest. It suddenly strikes me, there is no rise and fall. You are motionless and silent it has all finally come to an end. I look at my hand and see the knife which is still embraced by your body. I slide the knife out and your blood drips and mixes with my tears, my arm falls limp, the knife drops to the floor without a sound as the soft carpet ends its descent.

I stand there engraining your image into my mind because I know when I walk away I will never see you again. I will never understand why you made this request. The illness took everything from you and in these last hours you were merely a façade but I know you are now free. In fulfilling your request I have torn you from my life, but this last moment was ours and belongs to no other. I asked you for nothing because you’ve already given everything you could. I don’t bend to kiss you again, you are no longer there. I turn and walk towards the phone and as I pick up the receiver I glance back at you one more time. The rest will never understand what has happened here, they will only see blood.